The Monster Inside

I HAVE ANXIETY. EVERY DAY I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND GET READY FOR SCHOOL. I THINK ABOUT MY CLASSES. MY PROFESSORS. MY CLASSMATES. AND WHAT I WILL ULTIMATELY DO TO MAKE THEM LAUGH AT ME. TO MAKE THEM REJECT ME. AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? I ASK MYSELF EVERY DAY. THEN A LITTLE THOUGHT COMES INTO MY HEAD: EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. OF COURSE YOU CAN’T BE GOOD ENOUGH. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THEY WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU. YOU AREN’T COOL ENOUGH, YOU AREN’T PRETTY ENOUGH. YOU AREN’T SKINNY ENOUGH, YOU WEIGH TOO MUCH. BUT I IGNORE IT. I HANG AROUND MY FRIENDS AND I CONSTANTLY THINK TO MYSELF: DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID. THEY’LL LEAVE IF YOU DO. I’M AROUND MY CRUSH OR BOYFRIEND AND CONSTANTLY APOLOGIZE. ITS NOT THAT I DONT LOVE YOU. ITS THAT I’M AFRAID. AFRAID OF MAKING YOU ANGRY. OF YOU LEAVING ME. OF BEING…ALONE. EVEN WHEN I’M AROUND OTHERS I FEEL SO ALONE. NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND. EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE I’M BATTLING FOR BREATH ONLY TO GET A FEW GULPS OF AIR. I’M OVERWHELMED BY SIMPLE THINGS. I HAVE PANIC ATTACKS TRYING TO SLEEP. PHRASES LIKE “CALM DOWN” AND “YOU’LL BE FINE” AREN’T ENCOURAGING. THEY SOUND LIKE SARCASTIC JABS AT MY ALREADY FRAGILE MIND. I’M NOT PARANOID. I’M NOT CRAZY. I PROMISE. I FIGHT BACK TEARS EVERY DAY. I PUT ON A SMILE TO HIDE MY SHATTERED HEART. I WANT SOMEONE TO COME CLOSE TO ME. SOMEONE THAT I CAN RELY ON. BUT THEN I PUSH ANYONE AWAY WHO TRIES. MAYBE I’M HYPOCRITICAL. MAYBE I’M JUST NEEDY. BUT I CAN’T BREATHE AND I NEED AIR. WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES I SEE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH ME. THAT FACT THAT MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER DIDN’T WANT ME. THAT HE DIDN’T CARE. AND MY STEP-DAD ISN’T ANY BETTER. REJECTION. THE FACT THAT I RUN AWAY FROM ANYTHING DIFFICULT BECAUSE I’M AFRAID OF THE PAIN. OF FAILURE. COWARDICE. I CAN’T RUN ANYMORE. I’M SO TIRED. MAYBE IF I SEE A DOCTOR I CAN GET HELP. BUT “HELP” MEANS MEDICINE. “HELP” MEANS PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME DIFFERENT. THAT MY PROBLEMS ARE SUDDENLY WIDE OPEN AND I’M A NEW SUBJECT TO RIDICULE. “HELP” MEANS MEDICINE THAT MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT. AND I DON’T WANT THAT. CALL IT PRIDE. CALL IT VANITY. IT’S JUST ANOTHER ONE OF MY FEARS. I’M A COWARD, JUST HIDING BEHIND FAKE SMILES AND UNSHED TEARS WHO CAN’T GET AWAY FROM THE MONSTER INSIDE.

Facing the Future

Upon revisiting one of the possibly most annoying, pointless and probably brain killing shows of all time, I saw a squid with a love of clarinets and dance writhe in pain about the “Fuuuuuuture!!!!!”. At the time, I didn’t consider the fact that the future is really terrifying! I am now an official freshman at Syracuse University and to be honest, I’ve never been more terrified in my life. High school was challenging but it wasn’t totally hard. College, let along one like SU, has a totally different atmosphere and he way they do things is total opposite to what  I’m used to. As someone with social anxiety, it can be very difficult to adjust to change and I like knowing what I am doing and where and when. But its very difficult to know what I want to do when I’m and undecided major. However, being undecided is a good thing, as it gives me a wide range of things to explore. Its okay to not have everything planned out to the detail, even if I want it to be. Its good to just relax, breathe and take it one day at a time.

The stress of de-stressing

How many of you amazing people have ever had a bad day? Maybe a boss or coworker of yours just rubbed you the wrong way, and soured your otherwise good mood? Or perhaps you are one of the multitudes of people who, like me, just seem to stress over everything and anything. I call it my stressing over de-stressing. We seem to get so worried about the future and what it holds that sometimes we forget to enjoy the now and present time. The future will come, and it certainly won’t wait for us busy bees, so we need to make the most of our lives now. I know it’s a lot easier written than done, but if I may make some suggestions to ease the anxiety? 1.) do some yoga!!! Yoga, I find, is GREAT to relieve stress. Calm movements that clear your mind, focusing on only your breathing and concentrating on your body, instead of your mind. It’s wonderful. 2.) watch a nice movie to make you feel good. 3.) TAKE A NICE BATH!!! Honestly this may be old fashioned, but a nice bath lets you embrace the inner child in you, which as a result, eases some worry and stress. After all, children aren’t generally regarded as little balls of stress. At least not to themselves! 4.) whatever you do sweet people, DO NOT PROCRASTINATE!!! I have been there! It is a very unpleasant ship to be on! It’s better to get your assignments/chores/responsibilities done early than to wait and stress so much over it the night before that you make yourself crazy! Last but definitely not least: take it one day at a time and remember to breathe…it will all be okay! I promise.

A Look at the Ending School Year

Recently, I finished exams for my school and received my scores. While I didn’t do so well in my worst subjects I did great in the ones that I know I’m good in, (English, for example). This reminded me that while we may all be good at something or multiple things, we all have our wek spots and we should focus with all our might to strengthen those weak points. After all, we don’t want to be like Achilles and completely fail due to a major chink in our metaphorical armor of our lives. So, don’t be sad if you are having trouble with something, KEEP GOING!! It’ll be worth it in the end! I promise.

Despite the cold

They brought him down after sunset. It was November, and the cold was beginning to come. The wind blew, harsh against my bare shoulders. Despite the cold, I can remember his hands resting there. I looked at the soldiers, carrying him. Despite the cold, I could feel the warmth of my tears falling down my face. His body was still, his eyes closed. As if he were sleeping. I took his hand, and despite the cold, I swore I could feel warmth radiating from them. Just as his love radiated for me. But then, all at once, it all left, leaving me alone to the wind. Alone to the cold. But, despite the cold, I could feel my sadness and grief wash over me like a tidal wave, drowning me until i could no longer feel.

Dedication

Recently in the news there was a teen who committed suicide in one of the school districts close to mine. The teen was a victim of bullying, and while some blame the school for “not doing anything”, it is ultimately not just the school to blame. Why is it, that when a student is harassed, it takes severe actions to notice it? Why do teenagers feel like they have only one option to escape? Why? There are endless questions that are running through my mind. I didn’t know him personally, but it still makes me sad when a student commits suicide. This is the first year of my high school education where a student from my school has not passed from either an accident or suicide. But even so, even if it’s not from my school district, the fact that a young teenage boy who had so much potential and promise could just leave this world like that. It’s ridiculous how many insensitive people there are in the world; it’s getting to the point where people don’t even care what kind of effect their words have on someone else. Not only that, but there is so much chaos in our world. Shooters who attack innocents because of what? Attention? Do they crave being noticed so much, to the point of psychotic breakdowns? The media is numb to the pain of others, and we along with it. I dedicate this to all those who have passed and those who are here: do not bow when others do. Do not break under the pressure of those who want you to. Find your reason to live. Find your purpose. Have faith. There is light in the dark, there is purpose in the pain. Stand out from the crowd, face the challenges; they are only there to make you stronger. Do not focus on the past but don’t forget it. Focus on the future, but do not control it. Stay YOU when all others change. Find the constant one who will never leave you. The one who will carry you when you fall, and heal you when you are sick. Challenges, pain, hurt, desperation, depression, all of these do not make who you are. It is how you respond to them that does. Live on. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

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Not Just Another Statistic

A while back I mentioned an article I wrote for my school paper that wasn’t published on the grounds that it wasn’t relevant enough. So, considering that January is National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention month, I decided to see if I can get it on this post so I can share it with you. Revised article

There, hopefully, that works… Thanks guys for reading and following! It means a lot!